Day 264: Energized

Today was my renewal of energy. Turns out all I needed was some chapel. Today went much better than the past couple, mainly because I got to hang out with my band and work on our worship songs. If anything, God uses music to heal me; I like that. There's been a lot on my mind lately, and it's good for me to just relax that way. I'm thankful that regardless of my circumstances, He remains faithful and comforting. I've really been praying over people back home. There's so much going on, and I feel helpless since I'm all the way over here. I hear about the death of a friend, connections of others, family matter, etc; all kinds of stuff is happening, and I feel like I'm missing out on it. I know why God sent me here; I just haven't figured it out on my own terms. I have so many questions, and I know where to find the answers. What's stopping me? ME. I'm the obstacle, thanks to laziness, insecurity, weakness, lack of focus sometimes, and laziness. I'll be honest with you, I'm struggling a bit; this college is taking a lot out of me, and I feel like I've been trying to run on the wrong fuel for a while. Don't get me wrong, God speaks to me everyday; I on the other hand don't necessarily speak enough to Him. Sure, I might pray in the morning and read a chapter or three every day, but I know it's not enough. My teachers referenced a quote saying "I can't read the Bible for an hour, but I can't go an hour without reading the Bible." Man, that convicted me like no other! I look at my life, where I stand. I see myself, looking upwards to Him and what He has planned for me. Then I look down, to see myself stuck to a platform by chains called "my past mistakes" and "lack of enough faith." I know what I need; better yet, I have access to it almost all times. I simply choose not to take advantage of it. It annoys me how I haven't fully embraced what this college can do for me. I've been here more than seven months; I've learned so much, but I haven't put much of what I've learned into practice. I know what I'm doing wrong. I know I need to stand up for myself and say enough is enough. I know I need to take this journey seriously and not as an extended vacation from drama. Please keep me in prayer, friends. I need more than myself to get through this one.

God bless,
Steven