Day 38: Memoirs of Yesteryear

Today started off with an intended plan. My mission was to get this whole not having a phone situation out of the way, but unfortunately it didn't work out as I hoped; turns out there was one paper between me and my college phone. I was bummed out, but I just accepted and moved on to explore some more Sydney that I was unfamiliar with. I also was reunited with a new fast food fave: Oporto's delicious chicken wings. Oporto is a Portuguese-style restaurant that's like the ethnic and more culturally sound version of KFC; I'm not saying KFC is bad (they have it here too) but this chicken just tastes SOOOOOOOOO good. Plus I paid a great price for it too; win-win. On my way to the city I was listening to Anberlin's Never Take Friendship Personal, an album that shares many memories with me. During this time a lot was going through my mind; high school, church, helping lead worship in church, praying for a place to live, making new friends as well as renewed friendships with old friends, and other things. But one thing that would occasionally flustered my mind was one word: Love. What is love's true meaning? Where does it come from? How do you know that's what it is you may be feeling? You're probably wondering what in the world I'm talking about, but to the select few that I spoke to about this situation of mine, you probably already caught onto it. In fact, just before I logged in to type this, I watched 500 Days of Summer, which ended up being somewhat of a recreation of the period when I asked these questions.
This guy is just going back and forth, basically going crazy in his mind over this girl; they're friends, yes, but he obviously sees what can be. It's a classic "just friend" scenario, where the guy has the feelings and emotions that the girl doesn't have, but rather sees him as a good friend. Over time, it appears that things start going the way he wanted it to go, and he's getting all happy with life. But then it ends. Just like that. His life spirals downward to the point that he just starts to lose hope for anything. Then when it seems like she's slowly coming back into his life, he gets excited. Excited as in "maybe this CAN work out!". Until he sees her engagement ring. Then it's back to rock bottom. He sits in his sadness and discontent while she is living out a dream come true. But he starts getting back up, moving on and trying to make something of himself. Returning to his favorite chill spot, she finds him there and they just talk. He talks about how wrong he was about true love and how stupid it was to believe in it. But she talks of how it was set by fate that she met her husband, and that everything he said was right all along; the only wrong part of the equation was her.
I look back to when this was MY life; my situation, my period of hope, happiness, and sadness. (btw, this is the first time I'm really expanding on this whole thing, so bear with me.) I felt a deep connection with her [whose name will remain anonymous, unless you already know]; it was unlike anything I had ever felt before in my life. Every time thoughts of her came into my head, it was followed by concerns for her well-being, her safety, and especially her faith. I spent 2 years of my life having this whole thing going on in my head; outside, I was her good friend from church, but inside I was that guy hiding in the corner, so nervous and unsure of what to do. I know now that it wasn't the kind of love I thought it was; the love I had for her was a BFF love. But I thought it was so much more than that. After my first mission trip, I had an encounter with God, challenging to give up everything for Him. This included what consumed my thoughts many times throughout the day. I agreed, and before I knew it, those butterflies in the stomach were gone. And before I knew it, the feelings and emotions get flipped, turned the other way around. Now she starts liking ME beyond the BFF label, and I'm there just embracing the wonderful friends I had by my side. Within 2 months, not only did the feelings come back into MY heart, but now the feeling became mutual; we like-liked each other. What followed was one of the happiest periods of my life. Every time something reminded me of her, I would just get that joyful warmth inside. I just kept wondering, "Is this it? Could this be love? Could this be what I've seen in those romantic movies? Could this be my Ryan Reynolds/Amy Smart (aka Just Friends) moment?" I was just pouring my heart out in happiness. Then the curveball came. One Sunday, my parents announce to me and my sister that because of the drama building up in my first church it was time to move on. You can only imagine how I felt when I heard that. It was like that typical romantic movie scene where the "couple" are about to like kiss and you hear a record skip sound and something interrupts the moment. All I could think of was "........... what?" I tried to see if it could survive; if the not really getting a chance to see her anymore problem wouldn't break it apart. But the end was inevitable, and just like that it was over and done. That's when the hurt came. I was so sure that she could very well have been that one girl that was different than all the rest, because she might just have been "the One For Me". But it wasn't; she wasn't it. And it took me almost a year to accept it. I spent most of that year in sadness, even considering that maybe I was meant to remain a single person my whole life (pathetic, yes, but this was my first time with these feelings, so don't ridicule me). Then, that spark of hope came on her birthday; I thought that this could be the day I could reassure that it could work between us. I was excited; that changed when I got there. When I gave her a birthday hug, I was just so relieved to see her again, and I couldn't wait to find a chance to talk to her about what happened months before. But then another guy came, and I saw the look on her face; the very face I had the honor to see during that month of happiness whenever she saw me come to her. She looked much more excited to see him, and right then and there I felt like that that light at the end of the tunnel became the headlight of a speeding train coming to knock my senses to reality. It truly was over. I went home that day an officially heartbroken guy. I thought I had a chance; but that chance just wasn't an option on her side. I spent many hours of my life talking to her over email, texting, phone conversations, etc. about many things, including relationships. We had so many significant moments that we got to share together. And that day I felt like it was all for nothing. The next few months was just depression in my mind over it. We started talking again, but to the point that in my desperation of wanting to be with her, she got annoyed of me. I lost it even more then. Long story short, it took a 2 month encounter with God to accept that she just wasn't the one. In New Zealand, I had her graduation picture that she gave me; every day I looked at that picture and prayed for her and her family. I just looked at her, and I couldn't help but smile. But there came an evening for the guys called Freedom night, where we could explain things that we were feeling and present it to God and give it all to Him. We were at the beach, and we had a piece of paper. We were to write down things that we needed release, closure, and freedom from so that our lives could be all about God. I wrote things down, but I added her picture in it too. We then buried those papers in the sand and watched as the water washed it away, representing God's receiving of those things. I accepted that she was more secure in His arms than she ever would be in mine. That was the point of closure.
The way 500 Days of Summer ended was quite a mirror to my life too. As he is getting towards working, he's waiting for an interview when he meets this girl that's trying to get the job too. A connection is formed as they talk, and she mentions that she's seen him before. You end up seeing that she's most likely his "one". Just as my life was getting back together, God gave me another chance. He arranged for someone that's seen me for a long time before to become just as special as the girl I had feelings for some months before. Now you probably know who I'm talking about, right? Well, she's very special, and we got to know each other at the times that we needed someone significant in our lives. So now I'm just waiting on God; I have no guarantee that my new hope could be "the one I'm waiting for" (Relient K reference just for Kazemi), but I really hope she is 8) sorry for being SO random about this whole subject, but I just had a major reflection on all that today. And that movie really made had me thinking.

God bless,
Steven